Sometime around 2018, a much younger colleague asked me if I was autistic. Being raised in the 80s, I had a very specific idea of what autism is and I didn't identify with that. I told her I clearly wasn't autistic, and I brushed off the offense, or at least I thought I did.
Years later, sometime around the pandemic's start in the US, I found myself "stuck" at home, thriving. I was immersed in life with animals, house plants, and phone dates to watch movies with a friend who lived two thousand miles away. Life was good. During that time at home, I found myself losing weight, regulating my sleep schedule, and just feeling stress-free. The entire world was in chaos and I was living my best life.
During a night of usual self-reflection and over-analysis, I started thinking about that conversation, a few years before, and wondering why on earth she said that. At first, I wanted to dismiss it as a rude comment, but then I thought about questions she had been asking me, leading up to that point. She asked if I thought literally, in black and white. She asked if I had to think about making facial expressions... there were a few other questions. Regardless, I started wondering if I maybe was dealing with some sort of developmental issue. I recognized that my hyper-intelligence was present for as long as I can remember, but my emotional development was hella delayed and that was what I kept hidden for so long.
Fast forward a bit, back at work in person, I reach out to one of my colleagues and ask her if she knows much about high functioning autism. She tells me a bit and I share with her that I think maybe that's what I have. She waved me off, saying I'm gifted not autistic, and then she handed me this checklist.
I had a long list of checkmarks on both sides and when I showed it to her, she shrugged "see, gifted", and that was that.
Except, it wasn't. Recently I was watching content on TikTok and noticed a message from a friend. I clicked it up, watched the video she shared, and read the accompanying message. "Have you ever wondered if you were autistic?" As someone who has known me for thirty years, I had to give her question some weight. The truth, as you know, is that I *had* wondered if I was autistic, but I didn't know what that meant much beyond wondering if I had a pervasive developmental disorder that I wasn't previously aware of.... but one of the beautiful things about TikTok is that it allows you to consume content created by multiple creators in such a short amount of time. Before I knew it, I was obsessed, watching successful, middle-aged women talking about how they had always known they were different, that life was unreasonably hard for them-and why would that be?-before they realized that they're autistic and just really, really good at masking. I started watching longer talks, reading books, and it was the book Unmasking Autism by Devon Price that helped me arrive to the place where I can say that I undoubtedly know I am autistic.
I created a list of traits, that I may pick apart, piece by piece, that I have tied to my autism:
- I've always felt like another species and so I observed humans to learn how to be one as it didn't come naturally to me
- I never made eye contact when younger and was shamed into doing it through aggressive language, bullying, and teasing by my mother
- I've always had special interests that haven't waned: animals and acquisition of knowledge amongst them
- I'd easily express anger (autistic meltdown much?) but any other emotion was like trying to pull teeth
- I'd practice facial expressions, tones of voice, accents, body language in the mirror and try to learn to mirror a number of things that other people seemed to accept socially
- I have always been incredibly clumsy
- Small talk and not connecting deeply with someone I share space with makes me incredibly uncomfortable and zaps my energy
- I think literally and still have issues with some idioms. I can tell you which idioms are appropriate for which contexts/situations, but I don't know what the hell it means. (Relatedly: did you know the chicken crossed the road "to get to the other side" is a euphemism for he crossed the road in order to get hit and killed? I sure as hell didn't until two weeks ago.)
- I've always been very slow, even when competing in athletics, unless I was running, in which case I was fast. Really fast.
- I have weak ankles and achilless heels
- As a toddler, I was quick to speak and read, but I didn't want to walk, I'd roll everywhere
- I look younger than I am and frequently hear comments about this
- I stim nearly non-stop when not at work-- constant humming and singing, if not aloud, then definitely in my head
- I have had a potassium deficiency my entire life. In 2018 or so, they discovered it has to do with a benign growth on my adrenal glands. They're finding now that the channels that allow potassium movement within the cells are impacted by autism, implying that autism may have a connection with lower potassium serum levels.
- I had a benign growth in my abdomen as a child. I also have benign growths on my thyroid and adrenal glands. There are studies linking tumor growth, due to a mutation leading to cell cycles not ending when they should, to autism. To this day they don't know what caused my abdominal tumor nor my tumor in my adrenal gland.
- My grandfather exhibited many traits that I now recognized are spectrum-y behaviors and autism has a genetic link.
- My baby brother is a diagnosed autistic.
No comments:
Post a Comment