Disregulated

I’m a 42 year old woman. Sometimes that fact is lost on me. Some days I feel 19, other days I feel 65. Today was a 65 day. It was stressful, from start to finish.  I expected some level of stress as it was an unusual schedule and not a typical day at work. Knowing that, in advance, prevents me from achieving the highest levels of anxiety, but I can still get to an 8 on a 10 scale. Today was an 8. 

I frequently find myself in leadership roles because the absence of leadership causes me distress. I like to think I’m a fairly decent leader, but the truth is, everybody is different and the type of leader they work best under is going to be different. It’s not a one size fits all situation. When dealing with people, you have to aim for one size fits most… 

But today was hard because someone who works well with our students was outright insubordinate. I don’t have a huge ego (at least I don’t think I do), so that’s not so much a personal hit as problematic because of the impact her actions had on the rest of my staff.  She’s destroyed trust and that’s so difficult to earn back. 

I envy people who can work without having to put their heart into it. So many times over the years I’ve dreamt about quitting, getting a work from home job and just doing the 9-5 thing in my pajamas. Have distance, keep feelings out of it, clock in and clock out. Instead, I’ve stayed in an increasingly emotionally draining field working with people who are increasingly emotionally drained. 

Because of this situation, I’ve found myself disregulated. Anxiety built up, anger festered, and I found myself unable to tolerate even the best of company. 

I have some reflection to do.