Achilles' Heel in His Mouth

 I've been told I'm very self-aware.  I don't understand that spectrum.  I mean, how is one "very" self-aware, you either are or you are not.  And, frankly, I don't understand how someone can live an entire life and not be self-aware.  Maybe this is the foundation of much of the disconnect I feel between myself and some others.

I read my first blog post to Marie, a lifelong friend.  She told me she didn't understand some of it because my vocabulary is above her head.  Amusingly, while open and honest communication is probably my number one value, I find that I struggle most with communication.  Is it because I'm too much in my head, leading me to not only be "very" self-aware but to also have stunted communication with others? 

The other night, my partner and I were texting about his upcoming visit.  He made a comment that led me to believe that he's nervous, perhaps very nervous, and that he's questioning the timing of everything.  I did what I thought was supportive and compassionate and I told him I understood if he felt the need to postpone the trip a bit.  I'm not going anywhere, we can continue speaking daily and getting to know each other better.  Shockingly, to me, he responded negatively and communicated his feelings quite clearly.  I sat there, genuinely surprised as to why he was reacting this way, and confused as to what I had done to spark that response.  

Later, the next day, I had communicated with a good male friend of mine about this issue.  I recounted the text conversation and he said that he understood my perspective, but he knows what triggered my partner.  He went on to say that I communicate very effectively, albeit without a lot of emotion, and perhaps men aren't used to that from women.  In particular, he thought my partner was seeking reassurance, not an escape hatch, and when I didn't respond with excitement about his upcoming visit and reassurance of my feelings for him, it failed to meet his expectation and led to his reaction.

Hearing from my friend this explanation, and later getting confirmation from my partner about this being the issue, it felt like a punch to the gut.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I communicate as if I don't care, when half the time I feel like an overly-needy, hyper-emotional person.  I explained to my partner that I'd appreciate it if he was a bit more direct when he needed a certain response from me, as I don't mind offering reassurance as often as he wants it, but I don't identify the social cues that many others can identify.  I am logical, at the heart of it, and I love logically.  If you tell me that something I did or am doing is causing distress, I seek to alleviate that immediately, hence telling him we can wait as long as he needs.

I feel like a toddler when it comes to expressing my emotions.  Having someone who is more than comfortable expressing his as a partner is proving to be quite interesting and I'm hoping we can meet somewhere in the middle.  We both care deeply for one another, and we both know that, so I suppose that's a start.