I don’t know if this will last but I have never wanted something so much. So, I commit to doing what it is I have to do to make it work. That’s a promise I can make to myself.
But, the reason for this post is that I want to document something I realized about myself, ya know, for therapy purposes. All of these years I have thought that I am not lovable, like something is inherently wrong with who I am. But it turns out, I just automatically push away love. I know this to be the case because twice in the last 24 hours, the man that I adore more than all others has asked if I’m ok and seemed cautious to be affectionate with me. I’m somehow projecting a “don’t love on me” vibe to the man I most want love from. Not good.
We tell ourselves stories as children, to make sense of the big, bad, scary world and the unfair things that happen to us. The problem is that while these stories serve a purpose for a short window of time, they do damage for a much longer period of time.
I want love. I want his love.
More than that, I want to know, inherently, that love is good and ok and that I am worthy of it.
Is this the kind of thing you were looking for, B? Ha
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