Ask 8-Year Old You

I am so happy to come home every day. This is a relatively new feeling and I’ve been pondering that a lot lately. 

I chose to rent this house because it felt right. It was a gut-feeling, not one of my usual overly-calculated decisions. The house has character and land and it made me remember a picture I drew when I was 8 years old. At school, we were prompted to draw our perfect home.  In hindsight, I recognize that most people drew their human family because that’s what they associated with home. Instead, I drew the inside and outside of a house that was centered on me and animals. As I got older, I assumed I’d find a life partner before I hit the ripe old age of 20, and we’d both settle into this animal-centered life and spend our days sitting on the front porch, talking and drinking lemonade with our dogs and spend the nights by a fire, reading our respective books and just enjoying each other’s existence in silence. 

I didn’t find that person at the young age, nor did I have that sanctuary life very early on. Things were chaotic for a few decades but now the waters have stilled and I feel peace. The one thing that’s surprised me most about it is that it wholly comes from within. Once it’s taken root, it grows to fill every little nook and begins to overflow to the surroundings…. But it really does come from within. 

8 year old me knew. 

Close Enough?

I’ve had a difficult couple of days. Times like these, I find myself more in my head than usual… which is terrifying to think about, really. 

I sat outside this evening as the sun went down. I tried to focus on the fact that I live on a sanctuary that I built by myself, in an effort to soothe the unease I’ve been feeling these last 48 or so hours. 

As a plane’s light flickered tens of thousands of feet above earth, I wondered what people were aboard. I wonder how many are happy, how many are in love, how many recently lost a loved one, and how many are staring out the window down at the clouds below.

A very real thing is that I never feel loneliness generally. I only feel lonely when there is someone, in particular, I long to be close to but just can’t. Sometimes that distance is literal and the gap can be bridged, and sometimes that person’s body can be inches away but their heart and mind are in another world. 

I’ve been befriending silence again. The last time that happened I got swallowed by it. I have connections I didn’t have before but sometimes I don’t know if they’re strong enough to hold my weight if I let go. 

I can’t do long-distance as easily as I could twenty years ago. I’ve spent too long alone.  But my mind is starting to play tricks on me and it’s got me wondering if even when he is nearby, will he be close enough?

The Timing is Perfect

 I've always had vivid dreams and I've been fortunate enough to remember the details when I wake... at least most of the time.  This wasn't such a blessing when I was younger as I had frequent nightmares.  I remember reading once that the average person has about two to three nightmares a year.  I didn't believe it, so I had to look it up myself.  Turns out that the average adult has one nightmare a year and kids have maybe 5-10.  Still, I was having that many in a week.  But, that's not the point of this post.

I've been noticing lately that my dreams are all about the changes happening in and around my life right now and instead of fear and trepidation, these dreams are filled with positive symbolism and experiences and I wake feeling more confident, more at peace, and more filled with love than when I went to sleep.  

When I was a child, I felt like my brain was an enemy, that my intelligence was an impediment and that my inability to not over-think or to shut off my brain at night was going to be some critical flaw that caused my eventual undoing (I was so dramatic as a child), but the truth is I feel that those things are what allowed me to arrive to this point in my life, where I'm filled with peace and hope and contentedness.

I'm 42 and I am finally in love.  The man causes me to actually feel things, which in and of itself is a miracle, and I find myself excited at the thought of forever (insert echo of the word "forever" here)...  Part of me wishes I would have found him sooner, because that's what my brain does, it focuses on what could have been better, but the truth is, I don't think either of us was ready for one another until now.