Close Enough?

I’ve had a difficult couple of days. Times like these, I find myself more in my head than usual… which is terrifying to think about, really. 

I sat outside this evening as the sun went down. I tried to focus on the fact that I live on a sanctuary that I built by myself, in an effort to soothe the unease I’ve been feeling these last 48 or so hours. 

As a plane’s light flickered tens of thousands of feet above earth, I wondered what people were aboard. I wonder how many are happy, how many are in love, how many recently lost a loved one, and how many are staring out the window down at the clouds below.

A very real thing is that I never feel loneliness generally. I only feel lonely when there is someone, in particular, I long to be close to but just can’t. Sometimes that distance is literal and the gap can be bridged, and sometimes that person’s body can be inches away but their heart and mind are in another world. 

I’ve been befriending silence again. The last time that happened I got swallowed by it. I have connections I didn’t have before but sometimes I don’t know if they’re strong enough to hold my weight if I let go. 

I can’t do long-distance as easily as I could twenty years ago. I’ve spent too long alone.  But my mind is starting to play tricks on me and it’s got me wondering if even when he is nearby, will he be close enough?