More

A good friend called today. We spoke briefly about my current relationship and I finally said aloud what I have known to be true about myself for some time: prior to this relationship, I never considered how someone made me feel when I entered into the relationship. How someone made me feel always played a role later, but it’s almost as if it was an after thought, not the entire reason for being with him. 

In my current situation, every step of the way, I am assessing how I feel. Prior to his visit, I told myself and a friend that if I wasn’t feeling it, I’d chalk it up to a good try and hang up my hat for a while. Single life was settling into my bones and I had a routine that worked for me.  To be honest, I expected this to be difficult, feel uncomfortable, and be work. Instead, I was faced with a much different reality, one that is easy, natural, and feels so safe. 

Safe. There’s that word I’ve been using a lot over the last few years. It’s been the main obstacle between myself and a real romantic relationship. I have wanted someone that feels safe and never in my life have I felt safe with another. 

Until now. 

I am listening to the hum and splashes of my washing machine agitating a load of laundry mixed with his stuff and mine. I’ll swap it over into the dryer before bed and in the morning, I’ll fold his clothing, create a pile, and hand it over while he packs his bag.  He’s already told me he will drive us to LA so I can rest since I have to drive back home. And I have already stopped myself from crying twice. Crying over a man. Can you imagine? Ha

I know that I am being guided and so I will be patient. But, I will spend our time apart focusing on my health and wellness. I want to be better, do better, and live longer to experience more of him, more of us.