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A good friend called today. We spoke briefly about my current relationship and I finally said aloud what I have known to be true about myself for some time: prior to this relationship, I never considered how someone made me feel when I entered into the relationship. How someone made me feel always played a role later, but it’s almost as if it was an after thought, not the entire reason for being with him. 

In my current situation, every step of the way, I am assessing how I feel. Prior to his visit, I told myself and a friend that if I wasn’t feeling it, I’d chalk it up to a good try and hang up my hat for a while. Single life was settling into my bones and I had a routine that worked for me.  To be honest, I expected this to be difficult, feel uncomfortable, and be work. Instead, I was faced with a much different reality, one that is easy, natural, and feels so safe. 

Safe. There’s that word I’ve been using a lot over the last few years. It’s been the main obstacle between myself and a real romantic relationship. I have wanted someone that feels safe and never in my life have I felt safe with another. 

Until now. 

I am listening to the hum and splashes of my washing machine agitating a load of laundry mixed with his stuff and mine. I’ll swap it over into the dryer before bed and in the morning, I’ll fold his clothing, create a pile, and hand it over while he packs his bag.  He’s already told me he will drive us to LA so I can rest since I have to drive back home. And I have already stopped myself from crying twice. Crying over a man. Can you imagine? Ha

I know that I am being guided and so I will be patient. But, I will spend our time apart focusing on my health and wellness. I want to be better, do better, and live longer to experience more of him, more of us. 

Now What

I am sitting next to the man I love, who in 48 hours will be boarding a plane bound for Morocco, where he lives, works, and has family. We are sitting in silence, listening to one another breathe, and I know we are both taking in the reality of the situation: this dream is being put on pause. 

So what now? 

Well, now I have to go back to living a life alone. I’ll wake without a hug and go to bed without a hug. I’ll cook for myself and I won’t see his smile or look into those eyes as often as I’ve been able to. I’ll survive, for certain, but man, I’ll miss him. 

For now, my heart is sad. It’s like that feeling you have at the end of a big, important day, when all of the adrenaline has worn off and you’re just left exhausted, somewhat deflated, and wondering what’s next…

A return to normalcy, only now I want a new normal. 

Everything Can Change in a NY Minute (ooooh)

One week ago today, the man I’ve spent the last five months getting to know from afar landed in Los Angeles, where I picked him up and our in-person lives started. 

It feels like a lifetime ago simply because I feel like he’s always been here.  That’s not to say it’s all fairy tales and rainbows, quite the contrary. We have arguments, some of which are heated and some of which are cold. We are learning each other’s quirks, like I talk on the phone with friends a lot and he leaves everything laying around after working on a project. But, along with those negatives, there are positives, so many positives, and it makes me think back to younger me and wonder if I ever did a real inventory of the people I allowed into my personal space.  I think often I just thought this person is good enough and didn’t consider if they were going to push me to grow as a person, if they’d look out for my best interest, and if they made things better overall. 

Right now I’m focused on a few things: allowing myself to be in love in a healthy, mature way, being respectful when someone is trying to help/learning to not be so hyper-independent, and just enjoying the moment. 

I have made note that certain things need to change. For example, I lived a life centered around dogs. While my dogs are incredibly important to me, they cannot be the focus. I have to find a way to keep air flowing without using fans because he gets so cold so quickly. And, I need to focus on my health in all ways as he is holding me accountable, simply through asking me basic questions about my health.

So the bubble is going to burst soon and I must drive him to the airport.  He’s told me he will return at the end of May and on his next trip, we will marry.  I am processing so many things at once, but I know, without a doubt, I want this man to be my husband and I want to be his wife. Everything else is details to me. 

While he is gone, I will likely move houses, so we eventually have more space. I will focus on work and planning whatever type of wedding it is we choose to have.  And, more than anything, I will spend our time apart, which includes the holy month of Ramadan, thanking God for hearing the prayers I had as a child and again more recently. 

I don’t want to wake from this dream. 

Big Juicy Healing Tears

I have never been the type of woman who thought I needed a man to rescue me. I’d often roll my eyes at the thought of women who dreamt of some man being her knight in shining armor…

This past weekend I found myself crying big, juicy tears one night. The tears were waiting there, for years, waiting for the right moment, and when that moment came, they freed themselves.  Some context:  A couple of weeks ago, my guy and I were talking about our childhoods. He wrapped the conversation up with a comment about how he has a feeling we will help each other heal.  Since then, he’s flown across the world to spend a week and a half with me. He arrived, immediately folded into my life, and now we are discussing finding a reasonable path to actually living together and building a life together.  Here’s where the tears come in. 

I found myself mourning my younger self and the ideas she had about the treatment she deserved. I allowed people to use me and abuse me and I tolerated so much because I didn’t know there was better and I didn’t believe I deserved it, even if there was. As I cried, I held myself, apologizing for the things I allowed, and promising to up the ante by requiring better every day moving forward. 

I acknowledge that this relationship is new and even newer up close and personal, but baring that in mind and comparing it with the honeymoon phases of my previous relationships, there’s just no comparison.

I came across this image the day after my big cry and realized what I did the night before was start a healing process that I have been hoping to start for so long. Like finding the edge of packaging tape, healing sounds easier than it is, and sometimes we get false starts, but I am slowly peeling this back and hoping that it’s a real beginning. 

(And he isn’t saving me, by the way. My knight in shining armor is simply a Moroccan in a black jacket but his kindness and patience has allowed a quiet peace that I have never shared with another. I am learning what it means to feel safe in space with another human, Alhamdulillah.)

For My Therapist

If ever there was a time I’d like to freeze and keep forever, it would be this. I’ve spent the last day and a half with a man who makes me feel seen, loved, and at peace. 

I don’t know if this will last but I have never wanted something so much.  So, I commit to doing what it is I have to do to make it work. That’s a promise I can make to myself. 

But, the reason for this post is that I want to document something I realized about myself, ya know, for therapy purposes. All of these years I have thought that I am not lovable, like something is inherently wrong with who I am.  But it turns out, I just automatically push away love. I know this to be the case because twice in the last 24 hours, the man that I adore more than all others has asked if I’m ok and seemed cautious to be affectionate with me. I’m somehow projecting a “don’t love on me” vibe to the man I most want love from. Not good. 

We tell ourselves stories as children, to make sense of the big, bad, scary world and the unfair things that happen to us. The problem is that while these stories serve a purpose for a short window of time, they do damage for a much longer period of time. 

I want love. I want his love. 

More than that, I want to know, inherently, that love is good and ok and that I am worthy of it. 

Is this the kind of thing you were looking for, B? Ha 

I Want to be Your Friend & Other Weekend Thoughts

 If you don't know me well, you'd assume I'm extroverted.  I play one on TV and I'm damn good at it when I have to be.  The truth is, I'm an INTJ and if given the choice to crawl into a hole and hide from the world or do quite literally anything else, I'd grab a blanket and burrito myself up in that hole.

People are energy expensive.  But, I do love some of them, and so I find myself having to socialize from time to time.  One of those times was yesterday, when I went to a local winery to celebrate a friend's birthday.  Before long, I found myself sitting in our private room, telling story after story, making people laugh.  I heard, from more than one person last night, that I should be a comedian and, "really, though", I'd be successful.  A successful comedian, could you imagine how proud I'd make my grandparents?

Anyhow, at the end of the night, our party had died down and there were just four of us remaining, and we were discussing relationships, boundaries, and other related things.  Eventually we meandered to the parking lot, and as we talked there, a woman who had been partying inside came out, stumbled up to us, and told us she wanted us to go with them to the next bar.  That was an immediate no from me, but she kept talking and turned her attention to me, "I want to be your friend, I'm Brianna", she said.  I told her I have a strict rule against being friends with anyone named Brianna, nothing personal (I was only half kidding), and she laughed.  Before long, she told me she owns a crystal store in her house in the mountains and wants to hold toke and totes, moon circles, and other such things.  I politely declined, telling her that I don't go out much and I much prefer sitting on the couch with my six dogs and watching foreign films.  "You're my kind of woman", she replied, then asking me if I had seen a certain movie.  I asked her what it's about and she got a funny expression, "I mean, it's porn".  I questioned why she'd ask if I had seen it, and she said that I told her I like to sit on the couch and cuddle with my dogs while watching porn films.  

Um.

I don't think I'd ever use the word "film" after "porn", but it did make me wonder what kind of person would bond with another over a puppy cuddle puddle whilst watching someone get a train run on her.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I have always been genuinely stumped as to why anyone who doesn't already know me well would want to be my friend.  One of the best compliments I received in recent memory is that I am someone who helps to motivate others through making them want to be better while also making them feel it is possible to do better.  "You underestimate the impact you have on others", he said.  And, maybe I do.

...but do you know what I don't underestimate?  The amount of time it takes to clean a damn house.  I have been hiring someone to do the deep cleaning while I keep up with the day to day stuff.  I think about the generations of women who had no option but to stay at home and clean and tend to the domestic duties and I am amazed that all it took was a little booze and the occasional Quaalude to keep them subdued.  If I have to spend one more damn second sweeping or mopping or making a bed, I'm going to set something on fire.  This shit is for the birds.

Achilles' Heel in His Mouth

 I've been told I'm very self-aware.  I don't understand that spectrum.  I mean, how is one "very" self-aware, you either are or you are not.  And, frankly, I don't understand how someone can live an entire life and not be self-aware.  Maybe this is the foundation of much of the disconnect I feel between myself and some others.

I read my first blog post to Marie, a lifelong friend.  She told me she didn't understand some of it because my vocabulary is above her head.  Amusingly, while open and honest communication is probably my number one value, I find that I struggle most with communication.  Is it because I'm too much in my head, leading me to not only be "very" self-aware but to also have stunted communication with others? 

The other night, my partner and I were texting about his upcoming visit.  He made a comment that led me to believe that he's nervous, perhaps very nervous, and that he's questioning the timing of everything.  I did what I thought was supportive and compassionate and I told him I understood if he felt the need to postpone the trip a bit.  I'm not going anywhere, we can continue speaking daily and getting to know each other better.  Shockingly, to me, he responded negatively and communicated his feelings quite clearly.  I sat there, genuinely surprised as to why he was reacting this way, and confused as to what I had done to spark that response.  

Later, the next day, I had communicated with a good male friend of mine about this issue.  I recounted the text conversation and he said that he understood my perspective, but he knows what triggered my partner.  He went on to say that I communicate very effectively, albeit without a lot of emotion, and perhaps men aren't used to that from women.  In particular, he thought my partner was seeking reassurance, not an escape hatch, and when I didn't respond with excitement about his upcoming visit and reassurance of my feelings for him, it failed to meet his expectation and led to his reaction.

Hearing from my friend this explanation, and later getting confirmation from my partner about this being the issue, it felt like a punch to the gut.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I communicate as if I don't care, when half the time I feel like an overly-needy, hyper-emotional person.  I explained to my partner that I'd appreciate it if he was a bit more direct when he needed a certain response from me, as I don't mind offering reassurance as often as he wants it, but I don't identify the social cues that many others can identify.  I am logical, at the heart of it, and I love logically.  If you tell me that something I did or am doing is causing distress, I seek to alleviate that immediately, hence telling him we can wait as long as he needs.

I feel like a toddler when it comes to expressing my emotions.  Having someone who is more than comfortable expressing his as a partner is proving to be quite interesting and I'm hoping we can meet somewhere in the middle.  We both care deeply for one another, and we both know that, so I suppose that's a start.